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Dear Screaming Fifth Grade Girls Two Rows Behind Us At The American Idols Live Concert,

    I understand that you like Chris Daughtry. My wife likes him too. In fact, he is her favorite of the 2006 American Idols.

You’re curious about how I know that you like Chris Daughtry? Well, while I was initially stunned by the sheer loudness and quantity of little girl screaming taking place at the Gwinnett Arena tonight (I felt like I was in the studio for the Beatles’ first appearance on Ed Sullivan), I noted that most of them stopped screaming once the Idol taking their turn on stage began singing. You adhered to this pattern, God bless you, until Chris Daughtry took the stage. It was at this point that you tipped your grubby little hands.

You demonstrated an astonishingly aggravating and infuriating propensity to scream loud and long enough that he might hear you. From across the arena. While singing. While wearing in-ear monitors.

People express their affection for one another in a lot of different ways, it’s true. Still, I question the appropriateness of your mode of expression. Do you not love all of Chris Daughtry? Sure, he’s hot and all, and has a baby at home, but what of his music? Were you not unable to hear his performance as you thrust seemingly endless volumes of air from your tiny lungs, past your wildly oscillating vocal chords, and out your megaphonic mouths?

I can see that you, fifth-grader, you appreciate the more gritty among men. You did scream shrilly as the projection screen showed Ace Young thrust his chest to the opening beats of George Michael’s “Father Figure” in an uncomfortable and awkward expression of his unique sexuality. And as he inanely attempted to bond with the audience (and you, no doubt) through meaningless, “Yeah, it rocks to be here!”s and such. But you grew quiet (and… restless?) as Ace performed in his dated and Glamour Shots Vocal School style, your perpetual screams returning when Chris reappeared for a climactic Idol quartet.

And so I wish you luck in your quest to express your unbridled affection for Chris Daughtry. In time you will learn words, a more subtle form of communication, and lo, even paragraphs will spring forth. This may or may not happen before the next season, when you acquire a new screaming target. With luck, too, we will not be at the Gwinnett Arena next year and you will be able to sit that much closer to the object of your desires.

Drop Dead,

Adam Preble

p.s. — I shudder to think of the epic tsunami-like tantrum that took place in your house when he was voted off the show.

Posted: Wednesday, September 13th, 2006 at 12:34 pm; Category: 1128; Comments feed: RSS 2.0.
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